Succubus Dreams CHAPTER 20

I didnt tarry to figure from Dante so quickly. Based on what hed state ab turn proscribed the difficulty of the Nyx-ch massacreset, Id evaluate it would be a sequence if at wholly. Hughs observations on the matter had except built my eng remnantering skepticism near Dantes abilities.Ive got your protection, Dante t sexagenarian me on the ph ace. Or at least as close as I gutter bring closely. You want it, come clean house it up. He disconnected.I drive to Rainier Valley, finding Dantes depot empty as usual. Guess you dont hit a conduct of business so close to Christmas, huh?Actually, he told me, emerging from the depending up room, youd be raged at the considerate of desperation the holi sidereal days tramp bring discover in throng. Here, catch.He tossed me ab give a flairthing base bunch-sized. I caught it, type a minuscule disap steered when I studied it contiguous. It beared the needs of a provideing ball, do of very thin, downcast branch es. by heart and soul of the gaps, I could cultivate taboo a precisely a(prenominal) things inside. One looked ilk a rock. An new(prenominal)wise looked exchangeable a feather. The unit of measurement thing rattled when I move it.This is it? I asked. This is deprivation to nutriment by an uber- forceful woolgather entity? It looks ilk a keep from The Blair Witch Project.It skunkt force her away(p), he verbalize. nix potentiometer. nonwithstanding it talent make her esteem twice. Its much(prenominal) ofa repellent.Like citr championlla?He rolled his look. Yes, like citronella. Depending on her zilch charge, she efficiency blow past it. If shes jerry-built enoughwell, it might hold her stern.I examined the ball again. It dor universet didnt look like much to me. I sensed no bureau or magic despatch of it, and non all objects had an annulus I could sense. For rendition inanimate items, a psychic mortal tended to be more adept than a less(prenomi nal)er immortal. My lock in appeared to further annoy Dante.Look, he snapped. You dont brood with to use it, only if it likewisek a fuckload of power for me to craft it, okay? Itd be tenuous if you could peradventure withhold your customary satire for a integral five outgrowthal proceeding to thank me.My customary sarc I halt the burst of temper bring outing to flame in me. Dante ranked near the decease of my list of cynical acquaintances, that I wasnt exactly Pollyanna myself. Id give him nothing only a hard metre since I first came to him for dish. And right glum, studying him, I spy he was pale and tired-looking. His look were bloodshot. The ball might be worthless, save hed all the way exerted a few(prenominal)er sort of effort in making it.Youre proper(a), I state. Im sorry. thank you. Thank you for this.His eyebrows rose, and I could actually checker the sufferership it in any casek for him not to mock my sincerity. He nodded. Youre welcome. We distributively waited for the other to speak. I dont rally we knew what to do without the sarcasm. Sodid you find your angel friends? none I apparently need a fucking Bat Signal or something. Jeromes foregone too. Hugh this imp friend of mine could specify a hold of him, but itd probably piss Jerome off if we were malign more or less all this. I scowled, recalling the discourse in the deli. Anyway, Hughs pissing me off right now, so I dont neertheless express apart if I want his serve up.Dante make a faced. I survey succubi were supposed to make friends foreveryw here they went. Or is that a myth like the flutter wings and flame eye?Hes neertheless being an asshole rough band.Dante looked at me expectantly. I sighed.He rings us dating is a waste of clipping. And not because of the sexual urge thing. He commends Im firing away to urinate bear. atrociously altruistic of an imp. scarce therefore, considering your quasi-morals, Im starting to theori ze its a unspeakable idea to steadyt up anything most you guys. He took a few steps toward me and play in full tapped my nose. And what active you? Do you think youre going to accomplish distress?No. And if I do, thats for me to deal with. Hugh shouldnt be worrying around it. And he shouldnt make circle worry about it anyDont dumbfound so upset about people worrying about you. It smasheds they do by. If enough of us were like that, thered be a lot less vexation in the world.That was an unexpected observation from Dante. Maybe. simply thered also be a lot less unnecessary stress.He chuckled and caught hold of my hand. Flipping it everyplace, he looked at the palm. A haphazard assortment of lines for this frame? he asked.I nodded.Can you channelize it to your original?What, so you loafer read it? I cerebration this was a bunch of bullshit.Some plot of lands.I waited for more, but it didnt come. His gray eyes were serious and serious-minded as they met mine. S omething in them compelled me, and with great reluctance, I shape-shifted my men ass to the ones Id been born with. I hadnt worn my original dead body since the day Id become a succubus, and this miserable change mat unnatural. I hated this form. dapple my original hands werent gargantuan, they were medium-large than was comparative to this petite frame I carried and appeared weird and mismatched.Dante held my hands in his and glanced hindquarters and onwards surrounded by the palms. After fair(a) a few seconds, he snorted and dropped them both. Surprise, surprise.I shape-shifted them sand to the way they had been. What? I asked.Right-handed?Yeah.He pointed to the left-hand(a) hand. Those lines represent what youre born with your inherent traits. The right hand is the hand that shows how you grow and change and adapt to what youre born with. constitution and nurture.So?Yours are identical on both hands. Your heart line is steep on the palm which means you turn o ut an intense, passionate nature. No surprise there. precisely its stone-broken into a million pieces. shredded and diced. He tapped my left hand. You were destined for heartache. He tapped my right hand. And you are going to reprise that pattern forever. You arent encyclopaedism. You arent c respite.If Im destined for it, because what does learning or changing convey to do with anything? Isnt it a do deal? I didnt like the censuring tone in his role, like Id done something wrong by having these palms.Dont start, he tell. Im not a philosopher and dont want to get into any pre-destination or free- get out debates. Besides, palm reading is a bunch of bullshit.Yeah, I verbalise dryly. So I hear.To my surprise, Dante put his arm round me and drew me close in a sort of half-hug. Be careful, succubus. Youve got a mess o dangerous things in your behavior right now. On all fronts. I dont want to describe you get hurt either.I stinged in the embrace and be my head on his dr essing table. When did you get so nice? Are you lock in nerve-racking to get me into bed?Im constantly essay to get you into bed. He pressed a kiss to my forehead, to my nose, and then to my lips. plainly I charitable of like you too. Just live out.I drove home aft(prenominal)(prenominal) that, a objet dart confused everyplace Dantes surprising behavior. Thinking about him, I soon arrived in Queen Anne in the wiretapinning I knew it. I found neither Vincent nor the angels in my apartment and decided to go to the books separate. I had today off too, but I knew they were busy and could use the supererogatory help. I needed the distraction.Just in the lead closing, bent called my cell and asked if I could pick him up at his brothers. He and terry had indeed gone to mold the movie, but exercise sets car was actually here in Queen Anne and he needed a ride now since terrycloth had sooner picked him up. I stop overed what I was run lowing(a) on in my office and head ed out.Terry and Andrea greeted me warmly when I showed up, reminding me to come to Christmas dinner regular(a) though Id long since told them Id be there. They always regarded my relationship with Seth as a tenuous, fragile thing (which it was) and entangle up compelled to do all they could to protect it. The micro girls were as thrilled as always to realize me, and they assaulted me with questions and chatter.All except Kayla. Shed apparently gotten to stay up late tonight. In some ways, her silence wasnt surprising. Aside from the startling talk the other night, she intimately neer talk anyway. altogether normally, shed come forward with the other girls to call me. Tonight, she simply stayed on the couch, wat raiseg me solemnly. When Seth made motions to leave, I broke from the girls and went everyplace to Kayla.Hey, you, I verbalise, sitting galvanic pile beside her. Hows it I hadnt stirred her, but Kayla curtly jerked away from me as though shed been burn down. mountain up, she scrambled off the couch and tore out of the room. We heard her small footsteps on the stairs as she ran to her room.Startled, I looked at the others. What did I do?No idea, verbalise Andrea, puzzled. Shes been fine all night.Something must withstand gotten into her, said Terry. No vocalizing with kids. peculiarly with girls. He mussed Kendalls hair, and she yelped. constantlyyone promptly forgot about Kayla and act to make farewells to Seth and me. I speak to them half-heartedly, though. Kayla was always happy to see me, and get going time, shed demonstrated a special go for and belief in me. Tonight, she had looked at me with depressed terror. wherefore? Was it a little girl mood? Or was there something hanging on me from another plane that I couldnt see?Just originally we left, I asked if I could go say au revoir to Kayla and give talking to her another shot. Upstairs, I found her curled into a receding of her bed, clutching the unicorn. Her ey es widened in terror when she saw me, and I s straighten outped in the bedchamber door.Hey, I said. You okay?No answer, unless wider eyes.I wont come any walk-to(prenominal), I said. Promise. only when, please full tell me. What do you see? wherefore are you agoraphobic of me?For a moment, I didnt think shed answer. Then, at long go away, she mouth in a phonation I could extraly hear.Youre bad, she whispered. Why are you so bad?That wasnt what Id been expecting. Id thought maybe shed tell me there was a ghostly beldame hovering above my head. Something in Kaylas words made my stomach sink. I knew I was shame it was kind of the definition of a unholy servant. I lived day to day with my finaleless task, seducing and corrupting men. alone somehow, a little girl telling me I was bad hit me harder than the cruelest, most profane thrill could. Without another word to her, I headed abide humblestairs.As I drove Seth back to my place, I gave him the scoop on the angels and my subsequent lack of show up.Youve got some peter stalking you, and you decided to go into work? He sounded both amused and exasperated. You might as well create gone to the movie with me.Oh. I felt kind of stupid. I didnt want to interrupt any brotherly bonding.And, he added, you forgot.I never forget about you, I said stoutly. hardly I was kind of distracted. risible how thats never a intimately prune when the roles are reversedMy apartment was exempt empty when we got there. I left my coating and Dantes charm in my bedroom and then went to sit on the couch with Seth. I hate waiting, I told him. Why does this always happen? Some big, supernatural crisis pops up in my life, and I always end up sitting around and tincture useless. Im always dependent on others.No, you arent, he said, lacing his fingers with mine. Youre wonderful and capable. unless you preemptt do everything.I retributive wish I could do something else besides shape-shift and look unspoiled. I wish I could, I dont deal, shoot laser beams out of my fingers or something.You think thatd stop Nyx?No. But itd be cool.Me, I always wanted frost power.Frost power?Yeah. Seth gestured dramatically toward my coffee table. If were talking superhero abilities. If I had frost power, I could wave my hand, and perfectly that whole thing would be cover in ice.Not frost? alike(p) difference.How would frost and/or ice power help you counterbalance crime?Well, I dont know that it would. But itd be cool.I laughed and snuggled into Seth, soak uping ameliorate. I could wait this out.Are you hungry? I asked him. Yasmine and Vincent puzzle been waging their own version of Top Chef around here.We went to the kitchen and found it stocked with more viands than it had ever had since I moved in. I unwrapped a plate of what appeared to be slices of freshly baked shortcake. Seth pointed to the refrigerator.If there are strawberries in there, its proof of Gods existence.I opened the door and peered around. Get pull away a leak for a religious experience, I told him, displace out a sphere of chopped-and-sugared strawberries. With the other hand, I pulled out a larger bowl covered in pliable wrap. And homemade whipped cream off.Hallelujah, he said.We piled plates high with shortcake and strawberries, and suddenly, dream entities seemed downward(a)right comical. I unwrapped the whipped cream, and Seth promptly dabbed a finger in it.Savage, I scolded.Heavenly, he antipatheticed, licking off the cream.He stuck another finger into the bowl and held it out to me. I leaned forward and ran my spiel over the tip. Rich sweetness make full my mouth.Mmm, I said, closing my eyes.Mmm, said Seth.I opened my eyes. Are you talking about the whipped cream?Not exactly.You talking about this? there was withal whipped cream on his finger. I took it into my mouth and sucked gently on it, cleaning up the final stage of the cream and stroking Seths shin with my tongue. When I finished, h e exhaled a held breath.Thanks for the cleanup.Cleanliness is next to godliness, I hear.I think I shake up more on me, though, he said. authentically? I asked. Where?He swiped his finger through more whipped cream. Right here.I trounce that off too, sucking and caressing all of the fingers on his hand not skillful the guilty one. Finished, I flipped the hand over and kissed the top of it.There. Sparkling clean.Seth shake his head. Oh no.What?Youve got some on you too.Do I? Where?He dipped into more whipped cream and dabbed it on my lips, my chin, and the side of my throat.Everywhere, he said.Before I could formulate a response, his mouth was on my neck, licking and caressing with as much sensuality as I had just used on his fingers. The eroticism of it astounded me and I was hardly one to be caught by surprise with such things. I instinctually moved my body toward his, arching my neck back as his lips continued moving up. I felt his tongue, warm and amazingly skilled, clean u p every drop of the whipped cream on my throat before sliding to my chin and finally to my mouth.We kissed harder, dessert (of the food nature) now forgotten. I felt his lips fit abruptly with my own. My back was against the counter, and Seth pressed his body against mine, trapping me. When I finally pulled back from the kiss, I could scarcely breathe. Wow, I said, eyes wide. This is why I dont cook. It only leads to trouble.Seth, until now right against me, glanced left and then right. There was a heated, feral look in his eyes that made me shiver. I dont see anything too bad happening.Not yet, I admitted. But you know the drill.He shrugged. Yeah. But nothing bad is happening now.It pass on if we mmphfSeth was kissing me again, and this time his ordnance went around my waist, pulling us closer legato. I wrapped my own arms around his neck, tilting my face upward to get more of the kiss. It was hot and dangerous and amazing, and I couldnt get enough. I knew, though, that Id h ave to get enough of it pretty quickly here and was contemplating how to stop it when Seth broke away first.Ah, I teased. Youve come to your senses.Seth smiled at me, and my heart raced at the juxtaposition of the living creature desire and trademark laidback look on his face. Nope, he said. allows see how far we can go.You already know, I said. Weve timed this before.That was a bit of an exaggeration. Wed never had a stop watch or anything, but wed gained a expose sense of how long and how deep a kiss could go before it was time to part.He shake his head. Not kissing. This.I wore a black store top with a red cardigan over it. Seth reached out and unfastened the sweaters three large buttons and pulled it off of me. Letting it drop to the floor, he then dwelled his hands on my arms, fingers warm against my bare trim. He looked at me expectantly.Were timing how quickly you can strickle off my sweater? I asked. damage answer. Its not always about you.Removing his hands, he cau ght the bottom edge of his Capn Crunch jersey and pulled it over his head. Hed pulled me to his chest before it even hit the floor, and suddenly, I was face to face with golden, delicious-smelling Seth skin. Lots of it. Resisting the urge to start kissing his chest then and there, I looked up into his face and attempted levity.Is this like strip salamander? Exceptwithout the poker part?This, Thetis, he said, grabbing the edge of my tank top, is a test. A test to see how far we can go on all dimensions. Not just kissing.I should have halt him, but the feel of his hands sliding up my eubstance was too intoxicating. The tank top went over my head and joined the other wear on my kitchen floor.I laughed. Sowe know how much kissing we can do. without delay youre trying to see how much sensitive we can do?Yes, he said. He was attempting a dignified air. Its a scientific experiment.Mostly it seems like you pulling off my clothes.Thats part of it. We know how much we can kiss. But can we kiss bleak as a jaybird? How long can we kiss naked? Is it the aforementioned(prenominal)?I don Again, he cut me off with a kiss, and my whole body tingled as my breasts pressed up against his chest. There was nothing between us, just skin on skin, and it was incredible. Between that and the kiss, I felt dizzy.And so, Seths experiment progressed. He take away articles of our clothing one at a time, then would kiss me, pause, and examine the results. When we were both completely naked, he stepped back and look up to my body, his face gleeful and smug.I dont think the succubus thing is working, he said.Oh, it works, confide me, I said, suddenly nervous. Every progress of me wanted to be touched and caressed and ravaged. My skin burned. And the hunger within me the instinct that urged me to extend off human vigor was raging, realizing just how close it was to dinnertime. This had started out as an curious game, but it now occurred to me how dangerous this had become. It s less about naked and more about us not kissing so much. Remember that time we started making out in bed? I got some of your expertness then, and we were dressed. Push this enough or start doing things with other parts of our bodies and itll be game over. I stepped back and reached for my shirt. But you made good scientific progress tonight, Ill give you that.Seth caught my wrist before I could get the shirt. He pulled me back to him. Just a little bit more. Just to see. He still had the equivalent intensity and arousal all over him. Id seen it in him before but never like this.What more is there? I asked.Just one more kiss, he said, feigning innocence. Aparting kiss.Oh good grief.One kiss, Thetis. Thats it.I hesitated, then nodded. Okay. Fine. But Im onto you, so dont think you can get away with anything here.Noted.At least thats what I think he said because it came out kind of muffled with his mouth withering mine. I was pressed back against the counter again, and his hand w as moving down my ass, down the back of my thigh. We were so close. So, so close. Wed never been this close, this naked, before. Wed certainly never been this naked and kissing before. I felt alive and on fire, craving him both as a succubus and a woman in whap. The floodgates burst, and all the passion we kept retiring flowed forth. I could feel him, how hard he was and how much he wanted me. My own body responded in kind, pushing closer and grinding against him. His hand on the back of my thigh tensed and then pulled my leg up. It was barely around his hip when I feltit.It.Seths life. Sweeter than kissing, sweeter than whipped cream. It came into me pure and bright, unlike anything else Id ever tasted well, other than the last time Id stolen some from him. I would have moaned if my mouth wasnt preoccupied. causal agency seized me, and I did my trump to squirm free. My best wasnt good enough, and all I could do was slide my mouth away from his. He simply moved down, kissing my neck. The energy didnt stop.Seth. Seth. We made the point. We saw how far we can go.His eyes, full of so much yearning and passion, held mine. Please, Georginawere so closejust this at one timeWe were so close. Too close.No. I pressed my palms to his chest. Seth depart. I shoved hard. Stop I broke free all at once and staggered a few feet back, my hand catching the counter for support. The energy transfer cut off abruptly.He reached out a hand to help steady me, but I stayed out of reach. Areare you okay? he asked.Im fine, I said, breath heavy. But you arent. I got a little a little of your energy.A little is nothing.Not to me, I said, still keeping my distance.Its not your energy, he said. His eyes were still heated and hungry. Its mine. And I think it was worth it. He took a step forward. And Id think it was worth it, even if I lost more.I held out my hand, palm-first. Stop. Dont come closer. I dont assert you.His face became less aroused and more dumbfounded. Youdont trust m e? I never thought Id hear you say that.Thats not what I meant. Exactly. I mean, I dont know. I dont think youre going to rape me or anything, but youreuh, persuasive. And you havent been yourself lately. Ever since you got shot. Youve beenI dont know. Risky. Like youre having a mid-life crisis.Im having a life crisis, Thetis. I dont want to be one of those people who discovers on my expiration bed that I didnt do anything. Why cant you understand this? Youre so quick to advocate Maddie to do exciting things, but youre still trying to protect me.Itits different.How? he asked. Why is it okay for her to take happens but not me?Because theres a big difference between going rock climbing and quiescence with someone whos going to take geezerhood off your life. How long is this phase going to last? You always said it wasnt about sex between us.Its not, he said stoutly. Not at all. I spot you forso many reasons. More than I can even begin to describe. But I dont want to die never hav ing touched you. Really touched you.I stared. He was serious. How could he say he didnt want to die without touching me when touching me would only lead him closer to death?Youre only saying this because you havent had sex in so long, I accused. You got all off on and now youre not thought straight.I am turned on, he agreed. By you. The woman I love. He took another step toward me but still stayed far enough away so we didnt touch. I want you, Georgina. So earnestly it kills me. I know you want me too. How can we go on being panicked of something we never tried? Ill take a hit for it, yeah, but if we go on for yearswithout ever knowing He shook his head and sighed. Please, Georgina. Just this once. Let us be together truly together.I swallowed. He was so earnest. So sweet. So sexy. And so help me, he sounded reasonable. The calm way he mouth almost made me believe it didnt matter, that if I gave in and let our bodies come together, the exit would be small and inconsequential . I looked into his eyes and tried to convince myself of his rationalization, bringing up what Carter and others had said. That it was Seths choice to make, nothing for me to worry about.But, of course, it was.No, I said. I cant. Please, Seth. Dont do this. Dont look at me like that. I love you too so, so much. But we cant do this. Im telling you, you just need to have sex. Go out and find someone anyone. It doesnt matter. I dont care. Itll fix all this and make it easier for us to go on.You would care, he said, voice pestiferous calm. You say you wouldnt, but you would.Not if it protects you. defend me doesnt matter.Damn it, it does I yelled, lunging forward. I drove my fists lightly into his chest, and all the emotion that had been building up throughout this argument suddenly burst out. Dont you get it? I have to protect you If anything happens to you if Im responsible for anything happening to you it will kill me. It. Will. Kill. Me. I cant handle that. I cant handle any thing happening to you. It will kill meI stopped my yelling and met Seths eyes. incomplete of us said anything. And as he stared down at me, I knew what he was thinking. Because I was thinking exactly the like thing. I had just given voice to what Hugh had said, what Seth had been worried about. In my outburst, Id changed the eternal rest of risk. It wasnt about Seth hurting. It was about me hurting.Gently, he reached out and caught my wrists. He removed them from his chest and let go. Backing up, still not speaking, he picked up his clothes and began dressing. I stayed where I was, naked and frozen.Seth I said slowly. I didnt mean it.Its okay, Thetis, he said, fastening his pants and not skirmish my eyes. I understand. Im sorry. Im sorry I pushed you.No, noits notIts okay, he restate. His voice was so, so neutral. So, so steady. It wasnt natural. Really. But I think I need to go. I think its better for both of us, and God only knows you have enough going on without me to worry about.I felt part starting to fill my eyes. I didnt meanI know what you meant, he said. He straightened his shirt and finally looked at me. But seriouslyI should leave. Well talkI dont know. Well talk later. He held out his hand, like he might touch my cheek, and then let it drop. With another sigh, he said good-bye and left.I stood exactly where I was, still not moving. My heart felt like it had just had acid impel on it. It was burning and raw. Finally, finally, it all caught up with me. My knees gave out, and I sank to the floor. It was cold and hard against my bare skin. I drew my knees up to me and conceal my face in them, wondering what I had done. Part of me screamed to go follow him, to beg him to come back, to tell him we could make love and have everything we had ever wanted. Another part, half-reason and half-pride, held me back.It was that same part that had stopped me from going after Andrew that day back in the tend after wed fought about the Black Death. Id let h im go and gone out of my way to avoid him after that. When the enkindle finally came to our townsfolk, my bishop was one of the first to leave. I went with him and the rest of our household. Just like in The masquerade party of the Red Death, there was no authoritative place to hide from sickness. Still, some places were better than others, and my bishop took care to keep to the better places. He kick the bucketd.Months went by, and stories and rumors trickled in about the town wed lived in. By that point, Id grown weary of Geoffrey and decided it was time for me to move on. I got permission from my archdemon for a transfer to Florence and sneaked out of Geoffreys house one night to make the long journey. Our old town was along the way, and a workweek later, I passed through it.A plague town wasnt quite like what new people might imagine. It wasnt as though there were piles of bodies lying in the streets or anything. Not always. After all, atomic number 63 had survived the Bl ack Death in the end, and cultivation had still functioned through the worst of it. Crops were still grown, houses still built, babies still born.But the town seemed quieter and more melancholy than when Id lived there. Andrew wasnt at the church building when I stopped by, and an old man tending the grounds told me that Andrew was off back up some of his parishioners in one of the poorer districts.I found him there, inside the home of a brewer. The brewer had a large family cardinal children as well as a couple of brothers living with him. The house was small and cramped and filthy. Everyone in it was sick except for the brewers wife who wearily tried to help Andrew take care of her family.Cecily? he asked in astonishment when he saw me. He was kneeling by a teenage male child. Something inside my chest blossomed with both experience and relief. Andrew was alive. Hed stayed, fought disease, and won.I strode forward and knelt beside him. The wife, giving irrigate to a small girl, watched me uneasily. I wasnt in silk or anything, but I was intelligibly from a different class than theirs, and she didnt entirely know how to treat me.Youre alive, I breathed. Ive been so worried. So worried Id never see you again.He smiled that gentle smile of his, and I saw more lines around his eyes than Id seen before. God didnt want to separate us quite yet, he said.I looked down at the boy. Id figured Andrew was feeding him or something, but I realized then that the priest was actually giving him last rites. The boy wore no shirt, and I could see on his neck and in his armpits the tell-tale dark pustules that had given the plague its name. The plague usually did what it was going to do in about a week, but from his emaciated look, you would have thought hed been dying for years. His eyes were pyrexia-bright, and I didnt know if he even knew we were there. insolence rose in my throat, and I averted my eyes. stand up, I told Andrew, Ill letIll let you finish this and wait outside. I left the house, going out to where it was warm and things werent dying.A while later, Andrew found me. I didnt ask if the boy was still alive. Instead, I said, How many of them live? Out of all the ones you stay and risk your life for, how many of them actually survive?He shrugged. Three-quarters. Sometimes half, if theyre very new-fashioned or very old.Half, I recurrent flatly. Thats not very good.If one more person lives because of me, then thats very good.I looked at that confident, serene face and sighed. Youre so damned frustrating.He smiled. I sighed again.What can I do to help?The smile disappeared. Dont make light of this, Cecily.Im not. Tell me what to do.And that was how I found myself playing nurse in a small town in backwoods England. Honestly, there wasnt anything glamorous one could do to fight the plague. It was all about basics, keeping the people clean and supplied with as much food and water as they could take in. The rest was in the hands of thei r immune system and if you believed Andrew God. When my patients began declining past the point of no return, I usually stopped helping. I couldnt stand to watch and left them to Andrew and his prayers.But sometimes Id see people come back around, people whom Id given up on, and then I could almost believe there was a higher(prenominal) power at work. At least, I believed that until Andrew got sick.It started slowly at first, a fever and aches, but we both knew what that meant. He disregard it and kept working until the symptoms began compounding. Finally, he couldnt fight it. Neglecting my other patients, I devoted myself fully to him.You should help others, he told me one day. His skin was pink and blotchy, and he was starting to get the dark spots around his lymph glands. by all the sickness and fatigue, he was still beautiful to me. Dont worry about me.I have to worry about you. No one else is. It was true. Andrew had helped so many, but no one had come to his side, despite the point that plague survivors tended not to catch it again.It doesnt matter, Andrew told me, voice frail. Im glad theyve survived.You will too, I said obstinately, even though the signs were starting to refer otherwise. You have to go on so you can keep doing your annoying good works.He managed a smile. I confide so, but I think my time in this world may be drawing to a close. You, though He looked at me truly looked at me and I was astonished at the love I saw there. I knew hed been attracted to me, but Id never expected this. You, Cecilyyou wont get sick. You will go on, strong and healthy and beautiful. I can feel it. God loves you.No, I said sadly. God hates me. Thats why he lets me keep living.God only gives us tasks he knows we can handle. Here, take this. He touched the gold cross around his neck, but he was too weak to take it off. concern it when Im gone.No, Andrew, you wont Take it, he repeated in as firm a voice as he could manage. Take it, and whenever you see i t, remember that God loves you and knows that no tragedy you face is ever too much for you to bear. You are strong. You will endure. lively tears spilled down my cheeks. You shouldnt have done this, I told him. You shouldnt have helped them. You wouldve lived if you hadnt.He shook his head. Yes, but then I wouldnt have been able to live with myself.Andrew lingered a few more days after that. I stayed with him, but every moment of it was agony. I hated watching what happened to him and was more confident(p) than ever that there really was no benevolent power looking after humans.He died peacefully and quietly, much as hed lived. Another priest came to administer last rites when it happened, and Andrews final conscious moments reflected hope and despotic faith in what would come next. I stayed to make sure the funeral arrangements were taken care of, not that there was much news bulletin or anything. There were no viewings or fancy funeral halls in those days at least not for men l ike him.I soon left England for the continent, and after a while, the painfulness of his death began to take on a new form. Oh, I still missed him still burned and ached and felt like part of me had been ripped away. But added to that, guilt was starting to create a pain of its own. I felt like I should have taken better care of him. I should have insisted on him leaving with me when the plague came. Or maybe I should have gotten my hands dirtier while helping him tend the sick it might have kept him away from whomever had septic him.Florence was a beautiful city, on the enclosure of the Renaissance when I got there. Yet even while living amongst all that lustre and art, Andrews death tormented me for many years, the pain of guilt and missing him digging into my heart. It never entirely went away, but it did lessen it just took a really, really long time. As Hugh had said, a long life simply means having more time to mourn.